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..because..."I was sobbing quietly now."Because my sweet little baby doll, that's the only thing you areliving for now, that's your whole role in life...to love and be lovedand to be there for me, and everybody else, for whatever we want, evenat your own expense.You are a servant of love and need, kindness and giving, and you willgive us all of yourself, your beauty, your passion, your dignity, yourhumiliation, your dreams, your love and your soul...my sweeeet helplesslittle thing."And he continued to kiss me softly as I had no choice but to hear andbelieve every word as I sank further and further into my helplessdilemma...and into having to accept it completely.And still, even though I had completely accepted everything, hecontinued because he wanted me to see that I knew nothing about the realdepths of his power, vision and intelligence. He made sure that Iunderstood clearly that the rest of my life would unfold only from hiswill, and for it...in unimagined ways.Every time you. Shes my best freind if i asked her out and she regected me what then? I'd lose her as a friend completely and if i ask her out and she says yes and then we break up it will all the worse for it" Yeah but what if she says yes?"that thought hadn't even entered my mind at that point so crippled was I by low self esteem and depression "i don't know ...Maybe i'd get stinky fingers"i said faking bravado and playing to the crowd.my freinds are dicks to me and im a dick to them but we are all still freinds i guess its just immature talk.as I sat on the bus home several thoughts were passing through my head as Sandra occupied the seat in front of mine her hair tied back into its usual bun (mostly how amasing it would be to take the hairband out and watch her hair come down and flow over her naked body)but other thoughts like how will i ask her? will i ask her? will she say yes? when will i ask her?"are you okay?"she asked as she turned around snapping me out of my reverie and finding myself.
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